April 2010
1 post
1 tag
March 2010
2 posts
In case it's not obvious...
although I am sure it is very obvious, Live Wrong and Prosper is in its final stages. There’s a post or three waiting to go up, but then, the LWAP death knell will begin (whenever a blog dies, a self-published book is born…). However (however!), I’ve begun a new tumblr here. I am not saying you should follow. I am just sayin’. In general.
Best,
Kali
WatchThere are six parts to this, so to begin watching is kind of a commitment, but it is so, so absolutely worth it.
February 2010
3 posts
Dear Dude in my writing class,
raptoravatar:
postironyisnotamyth:
anniehallmoniter:
Hey man. Thanks for telling me, completely out of the blue, what you would do with a million dollars. Yeah, I think it’s totally ridiculous to have to pee in a cup for a job nowadays too. No, I don’t think you would have to pee in a cup if you had a million dollars. Would you even work if you had a — yeah, I didn’t think so. Hm. Travel and...
Would you agree to live out your life as an...
I wish I could pretend I needed to stop and think about this for even a second — hesitation would give me depth; Kurt a soul; Ram a brain. But get real. I say maybe one in 20 people would say yes to this and half of them are lying. Adults may demur when asked, but a concussed 4-year-old could tell you the truth: being ugly stinks. And being “extremely” ugly stinks shit....
Part I: Would you have plastic surgery to make you...
So — honest truth — I’ve had this question sitting around for like, ever, but I’d kind of forgotten about it until this. So, then, obviously, I was like, “Better dig up that old question to show how ahead of the curve I am.” (Then I made “Hamster Dance” my screensaver and forwarded that crazy “I Kiss You” guy to some people I know who...
January 2010
1 post
Would you become immortal?
I think this is one of the easiest questions to say no to — and actually, it’s kind of a no-brainer FUCK NO if you ask me (or if *I* ask me, which is kind of what I do on this blog) — but I seem to be the only one. Yeah, sure, I like living and all, but do we really need to belabor the point…forever? I mean, jeez. I think I get it already. I’m pretty sure that life...
December 2009
1 post
Would you agree to only see things in shades of...
At first I was like, “What have my eyeballs done for me lately that they should deserve to enjoy color so much anyways?” I mean, sure, they see and all that — if you’re gonna get hung up on technicalities — but oh, the many ways they’ve betrayed me! I’m so nearsighted that even the big “E” on the chart is a blur without my...
November 2009
7 posts
Dear Becoming One With Life...
I loved (v. much!) your Glenn Beck question and would love for you to Guest Blog, but you have no contact info on your blog. If you’re at all interested, shoot me an email (my info is on my page)…
Sorry to interrupt with personal notes (= super lame), everyone. As you were.
Anyway — hope everyone had a great holiday.
Your Virtual Friend,
Kali
Would you allow yourself to be adopted by Sandra...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY JOSH LUFT, A WRITER/MUSICIAN WORKING OUT OF A “PRIVATE FORTIFIED RESIDENCE” IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE A PLAYSKOOL DREAMTOWN SWEET LILY CASTLE. HE WRITES FICTION, PLAYS, ESSAYS, REVIEWS, MANUALS ON HOW TO TURN GRANDPARENTS INTO KILLING MACHINES, LISTS, FUN FACTS AND MUCH, MUCH MORE ON WHAT A FOOL...
Would you only drink milk from unorthodox sources...
First of all, yes, that’s really a picture of a mouse being manually milked (guess you just found the photo for your holiday cards)! I’m guessing that a lactating rat’s teats are only slightly larger than those of a mouse, so scrounging up even a thimbleful of rat milk is probably a fucking endeavor. Which is neither here nor there, but I’m just sayin’. Also,...
Would you take a year off your life?
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY JEFFREY BEAUMONT, A FREELANCE CULTURE WRITER AND PHOTOGRAPHER (WHO OTHERWISE PLANS GLOBAL EVENTS FOR MEDIA EXECUTIVES FOR A LIVING). AN UPBEAT BUT ANXIOUS PERSON BY NATURE, HE CONQUERED A SEEMINGLY CRUSHING AND LIFE-LONG WELTSCHMERZ ONCE AND FOR ALL BY DEDICATING SIX MONTHS OF HIS LIFE IN 2008 TO A PROJECT CALLED...
10 tags
Would you subsist on a super inadequate, crappy...
Everybody thinks that no one gets scurvy anymore in the modern West, but that shit still happens. I had a friend in college who — cross my heart — got scurvy because for months all he ate was these fake chicken product things called ”crispy patties” and imitation soft serve ice-cream that was so budget it didn’t even contain real milk. And then there was that...
LIVE WRONG AND PROSPER -- THE BOOK!
Dear Tumblr Friends*,
I’m hoping to self-publish the book Live Wrong and Prosper: Your Morals for A Million, partly because this game never gets old to me and partly because I have a backlog of hundreds and hundreds of questions I’m excited to share with the world. I’m using Kickstarter to raise the money for publishing costs, and I’m asking for your help; by donating anything you can – even,...
10 tags
Would you agree to have your corpse left in the...
Maybe I have some inner hippie making me say shit like this, but I actually think this sounds like kind of an awesome idea. Because do you know the sort of totally disgusting shit that happens to you when you are no longer you, but a dead body? First of all, bacteria inside of you produce gases which smell horrible to other people but delicious to bugs, who in turn lay eggs on your every orifice...
October 2009
4 posts
14 tags
Would you set up a phony charity along the lines...
Little kids are funny. But much, much less so when they are dying. Maybe it’s the constant agony and pain or the facing your mortality at a ridiculously young age or maybe they just stop trying, but dying kids are really no laughing matter, and neither are get-rich-quick schemes at their expense. Trust me, I know (don’t ask). And as much as that Mr. Show skit where Bob and...
4 tags
Would you eat a serving of human flesh?
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY JAYSON GREENE. JAYSON IS AN EDITOR AT eMUSIC AND WRITES ABOUT MUSIC FOR PITCHFORK AND A FEW OTHER PLACES. OH — AND HE’S APPARENTLY OKAY WITH EATING PEOPLE FOR MONEY. WHO KNEW?
So my gut-level reaction, upon first reading this question, was a pretty immediate “psychological no-no.” It seemed...
11 tags
Would you become a lifelong member of the Church...
I guess this question might be hard if you’re religious but, for me, this is kind of like asking if I’d walk around screaming “Boo!” at people and wearing a shirt that says “I’m A Little Devil!” And the answer is hells yes. Lone nut, self-proclaimed Satanists who believe their dogs are commanding them to go on murder sprees and to eat people’s...
Would you have sex with a sheep?
The old proverb goes, “Women be shopping, and men be having sex with sheep.” And of course, it’s so obviously old-fashioned and we’re so much more enlightened about gender roles now and yadda, yadda, yadda but can we get real for a second? That part about sheep sex is still kinda true, amiright? So, okay, yeah, we all know that not every guy thinks ballin’ sheep is...
September 2009
2 posts
Would you get permanent horn implants?
I’m so not into this shit that saying “I’m not into this shit” doesn’t really give you any insight into how for reals not I am. Into it, I mean. Okay, so, I know the ’90s were this period when people got it into their heads that piercings were awesome and grunge and The Enigma and Slacker and flannel-shirts-over-long-johns, but when I see piercings and the...
Would you join a radical, militant left wing group...
If I had to choose one word that best describes my feelings toward the right wing, it would have to be “hate.” I do not “feel that we don’t see eye to eye on matters of political ideology.” I “fucking hate them and think the world would be a better place without them.” Basically, I regard the far right much the same way I do violent felons and cannibals,...
August 2009
3 posts
Would you be homeless (meaning "living on the...
I know the conservative stance on homelessness is that it’s basically a long-term vacation for the lazy, but that seems a little unlikely so fucking stupid. Posed with this question, I imagine Michelle Bachmann would reason that, “You should never give a homeless person a million dollars because they will probably spend it on drugs,” and Dick Armey would add, “Welfare...
Would you masturbate overtly and loudly in a...
I love the getting-down-like-David-Duchovny-at-a-drunken-office-Xmas-party questions because I am pretty much always willing to do dares that would get me fired real quick like and then ”punish” me with a million dollars. It’s like, “Oh, no! Please don’t give me a way out of this 40 hour a week Sartre play and then, double please, please don’t give me a...
Would you give a close older relative (say, your...
First of all, this is different than asking if you’d pose for Beaver Hunt or Swingin’ Shlongs XXX and then give your dad a copy of the issue — in which you’ve written ”Happy Yom Kippur!” or “A Festive D-Day to You, Great Aunt Birdie!!!” in all the margins. No one’s even asking you to put a bullwhip up your ass, Mapplethorpe style, and then...
July 2009
12 posts
Would you be willing to lose your sense of taste?
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY MATT SMITH. MATT, BTW, IS A SONGWRITER. YOU MAY HAVE HEARD HIS WORK IF YOU REGULARLY WATCH PROMOS FOR SHITTY SHOWS WITH THE SOUND WAY UP. OR IF YOU KNOW HIM PERSONALLY. HE BLOGS REGULARLY AT THEMATTSMITH.TUMBLR.COM, AND IS DEATHLY AFRAID OF BEES, BECAUSE OF THIS ONE TIME THAT HE WAS BACKPACKING WITH HIS DAD AND STEPPED ON...
Would you carry a gun -- safety off -- on your...
I love one million dollars so much I would marry it but no to this one. I just can’t get into the idea of becoming the kind of person who says things like, “I’ll meet you at the party, I just gotta grab my gun first,” or, “I’ll be there with guns on. Not bells but guns,” or, “The gun takes that side of the bed and I take this one. It’s not...
Would you experience schizophrenia -- without...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY B. MICHAEL PAYNE, WHO SAYS HE’S A WRITER, MUSICIAN AND COPY EDITOR. (AND I BELIEVE HIM!) IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS OPENINGS FOR ANY OF THOSE THREE POSITIONS, PLEASE LET HIM KNOW. HE IS OTHERWISE INVOLVED IN BEING TOO SERIOUS OR TOO FLIP, READING HEIDEGGER AND WRITING “YOUR MOTHER’S SO FAT” JOKES. HE ONCE...
Would you donate a kidney to a stranger?
I always think that, like me, even people who’ve checked the back of their driver’s license are naturally compelled to hoard their kidneys, at least as long as they’re alive. I’m pretty sure that I would only willingly part with a kidney if someone I really (really) loved needed it — and asked nicely — but even then, that kidney would be donated begrudgingly....
Would you have the symptoms of a severe hangover...
Just as an example, have you ever had one of those days when it’s so beautiful outside that you and some friends decide to have a nice, relaxing drink in the afternoon, in the sunshine, enjoying the airy feeling of being tipsy and lightheaded in the refreshing warmth and brightness? And it’s fun and everyone’s happy and yay! friendship and good times and three cheers to...
Would you go on a Real World meets Big Brother...
I hate people who say they never watch reality TV because liar, liar pants on fucking fire, everyone has seen at least one of these shows. Just stop it, please. Because it makes you seem like that annoying, foppish David Cross character from Mr. Show who couldn’t shut up about how he didn’t watch TV or use air-conditioning no matter how hot it got and would only listen to music on...
10 tags
Would you become the spokesperson for and public...
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that being a spokesperson for NAMBLA would be a pretty thankless job. It’s not like doing PR for Pepsi, for example, where you leave the office each day exhausted from your efforts to dissuade people from their stubborn brand loyalty to Coke. I’m not a marketing guru or anything, but I feel very nearly positive this would be much...
Would you secretly urinate in holy water you knew...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY MARIS KREIZMAN, A FORMER EDITOR OF LITERARY FICTION AND NARRATIVE NONFICTION. SHE’S CURRENTLY THE AUDIOBOOKS EDITOR AT eMUSIC BUT SHE’S MOST FAMOUS FOR RUNNING THE BLOG SLAUGHTERHOUSE 90210, WHICH COMBINES HER LOVE OF LITERATURE AND CRAPPY TV.
Caveat: I worry that I can’t really own this question because...
Would you drink colloidal silver every day for a...
Okay, so, yeah, this is mostly just an excuse to talk about and post a picture of Paul Karason, who is basically some sort of a mutant, gigantic Papa Smurf. At some point in the mid-’90s, Paul started drinking a lot of colloidal silver — because some hippie told him it cures dermatitis or something — which means he basically had a daily cocktail made mostly of silver dust...
Would you soil your bed every night for a year?
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY SAM YURICK, A LOS ANGELES-BASED WRITER, VISUAL ARTIST, MUSICIAN AND OCCASIONALLY EMPLOYED PERSON. HE’S ORIGINALLY FROM WEST VIRGINIA, AND GENERALLY ENJOYS BIKING, POPULAR CULTURE THAT ISN’T THAT POPULAR IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS AND HIGH-CULTURE DERIVED FLUFF. HE IS AN EAGLE SCOUT — AND A DAMN GOOD ONE —...
Would you have a three way with Carol Channing and...
At first, you might glance at this question and think, “Ha, ha. That’s so funny.” But then by the second glance, instead of just reading the words, you’ll find yourself picturing what they mean and it won’t be so goddam funny anymore. Because in the flash of that mental image, you’ll see yourself, crammed in the middle of a Hello-Dolly and a Price-Is-Right...
Would you call in a bomb threat to the UN...
I’ve always enjoyed a good prank phone call (who doesn’t?), and when you couple that with a loose moral code, you get a loud and resounding yes to this question, because bomb threats are like the grown-up and even more awesome version of pulling the fire alarm in school. That, and the fact that a lot of those UN types are total Poindexters who spend their lives chained to their...
June 2009
7 posts
Would you change your race?
This is one of those classic questions in this game, and I’m kind of surprised at myself for not asking it sooner. And I say yes: I would change my race and, frankly, I’m kind of suspicious of people who wouldn’t – especially those I suspect are wary of losing any privilege they’ve been afforded by virtue of skin color. Also – if you’re playing along at home, can I remind you not to think of...
Would you promote a Ponzi or other multi-level...
Sure, you can be all negative and dwell on the worst parts of the Bernie Madoff story — like the stealing and the lying and the sending grandmas to the poorhouse and the roasting widows and orphans alive and the terminating puppies and unicorns with extreme prejudice — or you can try to look for the positive aspects. Like, um…for example (this is right off the top of my head)...
Would you live in Chernobyl for a year?
Now that I think about it, I’m actually kind of surprised that no one has come up with a Chernobyl-themed amusement park (filled with forlorn, decrepit rides and a gift shop stocked with pricey bits of rubble and tangible broken dreams); or, say, a really trendy, expensive, Chernobyl-esque neighborhood. (“You simply must see her hovel. It’s just the ultimate in post-apocalyptic...
Would you live the next year having to poop using...
Wow. You know that your commitment to not having a day job runs for reals deep if you’re willing to shit out of your stomach for a year for money. Which I am. I know — I could hardly believe myself, either. But let me tell you: Colostomy bags have come a long way since whatever super gross image you have in your brain. Apparently, you can have your colostomy bag — the standard...
Would you play Russian roulette?
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY…ME, KALI, ACTUALLY. I’LL BE AWAY NEXT WEEK (ALLO, BERLIN!), SO I’M TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS LAST DAY IN THE COUNTRY TO POST MY OWN PARTING THOUGHTS INSTEAD OF HAVING A FILL-IN THIS WEEK. LIVE WRONG AND PROSPER WILL BE BACK ON JUNE 17TH.
The very existence of Russian roulette is surely a reflection of the darkest...
Would you pull a Timothy Treadwell and move to the...
Remember when Travis the wine drinking, car driving, Internet perusing, baseball watching chimp went fucking apeshit (sorry) and pulled that lady’s face off? I do. I remember, very specifically, that in the aftermath, the question on every faux-solemn, pretend-thoughtful news person’s lips seemed to be, “What could possibly have caused Travis to suddenly go bananas...
Would you not leave your house -- meaning not set...
There are some dares that seem to speak to me in cooing, soothing, Siren-like voices and this is absolutely one of them. Dear Dare: Je t’aime. I imagine that most people would probably say no to this out of fear of developing an acute and possibly maddening case of cabin fever in just a day or two, but not I. Quite the opposite. I think I might actually thrive if I could just be left alone...
May 2009
16 posts
10 tags
Would you accept $10M if it meant physically aging...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY MAURA JOHNSTON, THE EDITOR OF IDOLATOR (WHICH I’M PRETTY SURE ALMOST NEARLY EVERYONE READS). SHE *JUST* ENTERED HER MID-30s (LIKE YESTERDAY, IN FACT. SEND A BIRTHDAY GREETING TO HER IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT), SO QUESTIONS LIKE THIS LOOM EVEN LARGER THAN THEY MIGHT HAVE WHEN SHE WAS FIRST GALLIVANTING AROUND THE WEB. ALAS, NONE OF US...
10 tags
Would you swim across a narrow river containing...
At first I was like, “Um…my scientific research leads me to conclude that swimming with piranhas will lead to dying from a million little piranha bites and is therefore not good for my health and so I say no to Death by Piranha.” Then I realized that what I’d misremembered as ”scientific research” was actually that one time when I rented this shit-tastic movie...
13 tags
Would you attempt to smuggle a pound of marijuana...
Can I be honest? Cool, thanks: I would not do well in jail. I know that’s not really an uncommon sentiment but I want go on record as stating, unequivocally, that I am particularly ill-suited for survival in the big house. I have a funny (and not ha, ha, either) feeling that my rapier wit and biting sarcasm would be rewarded with rapier…um, rape and…biting. And my subtle,...
12 tags
Would you agree to have all your teeth permanently...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY SWINGIN’ BACHLORETTE LEAH FRIEDMAN, A PART-TIME SHUT-IN/PART-TIME HAND MODEL (JUST KIDDING. ABOUT THE PART-TIME SHUT-IN THING.) WHO RESIDES IN CENTER CITY, PHILADELPHIA. AFTER GIVING UP ON WRITING RECAPS OF FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS AND THE TUDORS FOR TVGUIDE.COM, SHE BEGAN HER PERSONAL BLOG, VIN. POÉSIE. VERTU., WHICH IS NOTABLE FOR...
17 tags
Would you be willing to undergo a course of...
Pretty much everything I know about electroshock therapy I learned by watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest — and let me tell you: EST did not do good things for Jack Nicholson in that movie. I watched the film a lot as a kid (they used to show it on cable all the time), and it taught me that if you are crazy, EST will make you even crazier. Also, if you are not crazy, EST will...
11 tags
Would you have phone sex with Bill O'Reilly?
You know what’s sexy about Bill O’Reilly? Um…nothing. Nothing at all. But at least with Bill, you’d know what to expect with this dare. I think I’d say no to this if it involved some other member of the far right out of fear of the sexual curveballs they’d throw in the midst of a phone sex conversation. An awful lot of the Moral Majority live public lives of...
13 tags
Would you eat the same foods every single meal,...
If you stop and think about, this isn’t really a dare for a lot of people. It’s a lifestyle. I mean, think about the number of people in the U.S. who literally go to McDonald’s for every meal. Or who subsist on bologna sandwiches and cereal. I’ve been through periods where all I’ve eaten for long stretches is Tex Mex, which means every meal was essentially some...