April 2009
78 posts
11 tags
Would you relive the period of your childhood...
When I say that all my friends are dorks, I mean it in a loving way; it’s just that everyone I know passed through an era of awkward, misfit geekiness at some point. (The secret harbored by every hipster is that there is a massive dork still living and lurking deep down inside.) If you spent the whole of your childhood at the top of the social food chain, I doubt you’ve turned into...
6 tags
Would you level false charges of child sexual...
I’ll just say it: You are a piece of shit if you say yes to this one. I really don’t know how else to put it. Fabricating allegations of sexual abuse is one of the most fucked up things you can possibly do, and doing it for personal profit basically makes you The Devil. For reals. Add to this unsavory premise the priest angle and this whole thing just gets super dark. I know that the...
11 tags
Would you swallow a shot glass of swine flu snot...
This is kind of a double whammy because 1) you have to swallow snot, which is basically liquid boogers (not to get all scientific on you) and 2) you have to eat swine flu, which, you know, can kill you. Plus, I just think there’s something extra weird about having a flu that pigs normally get; I can’t help but see swine flu carriers as pigs among men. Just a hang-up I have, I guess....
12 tags
Would you have a toe of your choosing (surgically...
Take my toes — please! (Pauses to wait for laughter to die down). No, but, seriously folks, this question is like asking, Would you sell a toe for $1M? And the answer is hell to the yes I would. It’s nice that you get to pick the toe (I’ll go for the pinky, for aesthetic reasons; it seems like you could lose that one without turning your foot into a total freakshow), but even...
17 tags
Would You Throw Your Grampa Down A Flight of...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY ME AND ONE OF MY VERY GOOD FRIENDS, MIKE McGUIRK, ONE OF THE MOST GENUINELY “IRISH” — AND THE ONLY “SOUTHIE” — PEOPLE I KNOW (AND A WELL KNOWN MUSIC WRITER; SEVERAL OF HIS PIECES WERE ANTHOLOGIZED IN THE DA CAPO’S BEST MUSIC WRITING). ALSO, I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW THAT ALL...
5 tags
Would you make a huge scene in a restaurant or...
Please. Of course I would. (Yes — even in this economy!) I’m enough of an asshole that I barely even thought about this. In fact, I only had three consecutive, fleeting thoughts: 1) Hells yeah. 2) I’m an asshole. 3) Cool.
But before we start calling names, let’s look at the facts. I would, out of sheer guilt, slide a pretty good sum to whoever I fucked over on this one....
21 tags
Would you live your life as a clown for a year...
The only downside I can possibly see to doing this dare is breakouts from having all that greasepaint on your face all day, but I say getting pimples is worth $1,000,000. Plus, um, Noxema. On the other hand, the upsides of this dare are numerous. There’s the fact that you would immediately be fired from your office day job for coming in to work dressed, literally, like a fucking clown...
5 tags
Would you trip on really strong acid every day for...
This is basically a word-perfect description of my absolute, tailor-made, personal hell. Even in college, which was probably the peak period of my interest in psychedelics (yes, I’m a walking cliché), I never understood my friends who would eat like, 20 hits at a time. What’s fun about that? Maybe I’m uptight or, just as likely, I just don’t have the mental fortitude for...
4 tags
Would you not shower or bathe for a year?
I wish I could go back in time and pose this question to my 7-year-old self because ohmygod it would be like a dream come true. You mean I don’t have to take baths for a whole year AND someone will give me a million dollars (which I’m pretty sure at the time I thought was the biggest number in the whole wide world)? The money would have been a nice touch but really, it’s the...
5 tags
Would you ride the New York City subway naked for...
IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY ME AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE, JOE K. THIS IS WHAT JOE, BRAGGART THAT HE IS, SENT ME AS HIS BIO:
Joe is a writer with a bad beard and a bottomless stomach. He lives in Astoria, Queens.
The truth is, he’s a music writer who’s written for a bunch of stuff you know, but he’s too modest to go on about it. And he’s very funny. Just so...
4 tags
Would you accept $5 million dollars if it meant...
How could you say yes to this? Didn’t you ever see the Button, Button episode of the New Twilight Zone? No? Oh my god it was so scary! This totally broke, desperate for money married couple receive – out of nowhere and from an anonymous sender – this plain wooden box with a button on it. Shortly after, this weird “men in black” type named Mr. Steward shows up at their shithole, rundown apartment...
4 tags
Would you get an extraocular jewelry implant...
* A cosmetic surgical process in which a tiny piece of jewelry is placed in the eye. The stuff hasn’t been around for all that long, so nobody really knows, but so far, no one’s vision has been the least bit affected. Just so you know, I’m not making this up. People really do this shit.
Yeah, sure, whatever, I’ll put jewelry in my eye if someone pays me a million dollars. At least that way...
Would you take a job as a short order cook in a...
I know fuck all about cooking, so if you walk into your local diner and see me in the kitchen wearing a hairnet or a little paper cap or some crap, and I’m putting food in the window and ringing that little bell and yelling “Pick up!” you need to immediately GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE. No, really, I mean it. Because I am going to spit in your food. And then, after about a year of all that...
4 tags
Would you model for, release and promote your own...
Jesus, I hope my parents never find this site. Because not only would they be stunned to learn that I could even come up with this kind of question, they would also be none too happy to read that the only thing stopping me from saying yes is the promotional clause. No one wants to hear that their little girl – once their clumsy, four-eyed, nerd – grew up to say things like, “Hell yeah, I’d let...
3 tags
Would you get a permanent tattoo right above your...
I don’t know if there are words to properly convey how much I’m not doing this dare. For any amount of money. Or – wait – maybe for like, googolplex dollars, or King of Bahrain money or something. I mean the kind of money that would allow me to literally spend the rest of my life letting my muscles atrophy and shopping for islands and having panty and bra sets woven from $100 bills (I’d prefer...
5 tags
Would you eat a shoebox full of dandruff?
Okay, so, not to be a jerk about it, but if you say no to this one, you’re kind of answering it wrong. Because (and again, I don’t want to be a dick here. If you hate money, you hate money) you’ve taken in far worse things than dandruff before. If you are breathing at this very moment – and I’m guessing you are – the kind of disgusting stuff you’re breathing in is a lot grosser than just dead...
10 tags
Would you French kiss Shane MacGowan, deeply and...
Jeepers. It’s hard to know where to start with this one, so I guess I’ll start here, with an inside view of Shane MacGowan’s mouth (pay close attention right around the :30 mark; there’s a close up of it there.). If ever there was someone who does not fear the Cavity Creeps or Yuck Mouth, it is Shane MacGowan, lead singer of the Pogues and the original Pete Doherty. Never a man to turn to for...
5 tags
Would you go five rounds with a boxing kangaroo?
I would fight a variety of wild animals for a million dollars (no, really. I would.) but, holy crap, have you ever seen a kangaroo box? Basically, they knock you out cold first thing and then just keep kicking your ass once you’re down. And if you think you can bob and weave your way through a fight with a kangaroo you are sadly, pathetically, assbeatenly mistaken. I promise you, that kangaroo...
5 tags
Would you keep all your urine in sealed glass...
Who’s to say I don’t already? Maybe I’m one of those eccentric millionairesses batshit crazy indigent shut-ins who just loves spending rainy Sundays counting my many, many mason jars full of sweet, sweet honey-colored urine – my very own urine! Maybe, you only think my fridge is full of jars of beer and sweet tea but, really, those are actually jars of my urine. Maybe, I’m really proud of...
4 tags
Would you live in a house built on an Indian...
If your life was a horror movie, here’s a list of things that would ensure your death by the next scene:
Going to check out that strange noise in the basement
Following your cat into the basement, where it’s headed because it heard a strange noise
Ignoring those menacing prank phone calls
Babysitting
Having sex
Taking your friend up on his offer of a weekend away at his family’s secluded...
6 tags
Would you have one of your eyes replaced with a...
You known what’s pretty fucking bitchin’? Eye patches. You could be like, the biggest dork on the planet and an eye patch would turn you into a dangerous, mysterious, one-eyed sexpot. If you think eye patches are only for pirates, you need to get hip to the jive, Poindexter, and take a look at all the famous eye patch wearers throughout history. Q: You know what they have in common? A: Nothing...
4 tags
Would you invite friends over for dinner and...
This reminds me of Peter Hessler’s “A Rat In My Soup,” which ran in the New Yorker years ago. In the article, he travels to a city in China’s Guangdong Province that’s home to two well-known restaurants specializing in rat meat. He learns about the tonic property of rat (it’ll put hair on your chest, literally), which is one of the main reasons for its consumption, and what they eat before they...
4 tags
Would you be waterboarded?
Hell yes. Not only would I experience the TORTURE (fuck you, Dick Cheney) that is waterboarding, but I have a few people I’d like to personally waterboard. For political reasons, mostly. I’ll start with former Bush administration members and work my way down to conservative bloggers. Yeah.
- Kali
Since drowning is one of my biggest fears, this is a no. Seriously, I start taking huge, gasping...
5 tags
Would you take a foot off your height?
Tall people, if you say no to this one then I’ll be very disappointed in you! Let’s say you’re 6′3″… Getting rid of a foot would still leave you above 5′, which isn’t bad. I, on the other hand, would be reduced (permanently, it should be noted) to a ridiculously diminutive 4′5″, which is approximately the height of Mr. Lauren’s 6-year old nephew. That’s getting into freakshow territory, really....
4 tags
Would you have sex with Carrot Top?
Ha. I get it. This question is funny because everybody used to hate Carrot Top, but now they double hate him because he’s not funny AND he looks like a ‘roided up tranny face.
Um, no.
- Kali
That would be a “no” for me. To give you an inkling of the level of my disgust, I’m filing this one under “All Out Gross Outs,” even though it should be in “Sexiness.” Take that, Carrot Top!
- Lauren
4 tags
Would you spike a recovering alcoholic’s drink...
If I had never seen an alcoholic relapse in front of me, then there’s a terrible part of me that might have been tempted to consider (just consider, mind you, not say yes) this dare for a second. Now, it’s no secret that I enjoy a drink or five from time to time. Many of my friends, too, are fond of the old Mother’s Ruin, not to mention my parents (hi, Mom and Dad!). You go out (or stay in), you...
4 tags
Would you have your ears permanently increased to...
Oh god, this would be horrible. Especially to look at. In fact, every imaginable variant is just an effin’ nightmare. Maybe your ears would be Mickey Mouse sized but — with the cartilage stretched to such lengths — they’d lose all form and you’d end up with these floppy elephant ear things hanging sadly off your head (which would technically make them Dumbo ears, I guess). Or, in another vision,...
7 tags
Would you become a regular at a sex/swingers club?...
As you can tell by reading this blog, I have negative associations with many, many things (what can I say – I’m just judgmental like that). Toward the top of this lengthy list are sex clubs and “swinging.” Whenever I happen to think of them (and it’s not often), I envision faded, stained upholstery and the pudgy, leering face of legendarily unattractive pornographer Al Goldstein, who was one of...
4 tags
Would you get one of those really intricate Maori...
I can’t even think about the Maori these days without seeing Mike Tyson’s face. Which is a real bummer for the Maori because – believe you me – they know that he like, totally co-opted their look and they are really not psyched about it. (I’ve never actually met a Maori tribe member but the Internets told me.) It’s like this totally sacred cultural expression and meanwhile, the dude who eats...
6 tags
Would you always wear pants with a large brown,...
I was going to choose a more “serious” dare today, but at this point all I can think about is the sound of the factory whistle and an extra large martini, so I’m giving you some fluff instead.
Despite the fact that it would be kind of tiresome to wear the same damn pair of pants day in and day out, I would totally do this. Looking on the bright side, there would be no more standing in front of...
6 tags
Would you consume enough carrots to maintain an...
Ugh. I hate carrots. I’ve probably spent, cumulatively, a year of my life just picking them out of soups and salads and dishes where the menu didn’t specify that they’d appear in my food. They’re gross, and what makes them even grosser is that they’re one of those filler foods. Like celery, people mindlessly toss carrots into recipes just to make the dish go further. Think about it: Did that...
5 tags
Would you disappear for a year, leaving only a...
When we first dreamed up this dare, I had no idea that faking your own death was such a popular concept that it had earned its own neologism: pseudocide. Never underestimate the allure of getting completely away from it all. Those who really want to explore the topic (and gain practical tips) can read one of the books available on the subject, such as this one, but for those of you with less...
4 tags
Would you become incredibly hirsute all over your...
When I was kid, every week at least one of the bajillion tabloids in the grocery store had a “werewolf” on the cover. These shocking! stories! featured up-close photo spreads of purported half-men/half-beasts whose faces and bodies were covered completely in thick, bushy, curly hair. Scary hair. And there was always an accompanying headline that said something like WEREWOLF BOY VOTED MAYOR OF...
7 tags
Would you – were you guaranteed not to be caught –...
I hate flying. I thought it was awesome as a child, but as I got older a mild aversion turned into a full-fledged phobia. Although I’m slightly (and I do mean SLIGHTLY) better now, there was a period of several years in which I flew frequently and basically had to be rendered unconscious by combination of tranqs and airport liquor in order to get through take-off without going into cardiac...
4 tags
Would you be willing to permanently lose your...
Let me tell you a story.
A few years ago, for six months I sublet this windowless underground box in Williamsburg (Brooklyn, not Colonial) that got no natural light and had a bathtub in the kitchen and a fridge that had a working light inside but did fuck all to chill food and flooded regularly and oh wait did I mention it had no fucking windows?* The landlord was this slightly older woman with...
6 tags
Would you wear only clothing made out of human...
Man, do religious folks love some self-mortification. Take Flagellants, for example. This radical sect took it to the streets in the 13th and 14th centuries, combining frenzied whipping with hymns and chants to produce something akin to a Homecoming Day parade gone BD/SM. Eventually, The Church condemned the movement as heretical once it began to threaten the establishment (ain’t that always...
5 tags
Would you eat the meat from a fully intact,...
I would not. And while we’re on the subject, it’s worth mentioning that there isn’t a single known society of people that eats its young. In fact, it’s probably humanity’s collective, innate revulsion toward child cannibalism that accounts for the continued popularity of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. The 1729 article is considered one of the most scathing, clever pieces of satire ever...
4 tags
Would you have all your head hair permanently...
This is one of those dares that tends to trigger helpless laughing fits in people. When I mentioned it to Mr. Lauren, for example, he executed a spit-take that would do The Three Stooges proud. There’s just something really funny about a) bald heads, b) bizarre attempts to cover up bald heads, and c) horrible tattoos. As this dare combines all of the aforementioned ha-ha’s, it’s pretty much...
4 tags
Would you live the rest of your life with hooves...
Um.
Wha –?
No. Not for any amount of money.
Now, good day, sir!!!
- Kali
This dare reminds me of that terrible Christina Ricci movie, Penelope, in which she sports a snout in order to teach us a lesson about inner beauty: You don’t judge books by their covers, even if they happen to be strangely deformed. It also reminds me of one of the best-ever Twilight Zone episodes, Eye of the...
5 tags
Bang! Would you get shot? Your survival is...
Nope. Definitely not. Perhaps I’m traumatized from having faced the business end of a few of them, but guns scare the shit out of me, and the thought of actually getting shot by one is nothing short of horrifying. I’m well aware of the fact that this is a stereotypically weenie liberal viewpoint, but so be it. Even though the thought of (hypothetically) losing out on a million dollars makes me...
5 tags
Would you take a vow of silence for a year?
Mostly, I’m not so into hippie mind expansion experiments or Zen dabbling or Catholic asceticism, but I would be totally down to give this a go. And actually, I would do this dare for more than just the money. I mean, don’t get it twisted, okay? I’d be mostly doing it for the money. Just not only for the money. I hope we understand each other.
Let’s start with this: Not talking is hard. It’s as...
4 tags
Men: Would you have your voice permanently altered...
Yes. And seeing as how I’m a huge fan, this would be kind of fun in a strange way. It would take some getting used to, of course, but I think I could deal with it. I’m not a singer or an actor or otherwise involved in a profession in which I rely on my voice, so it’s not like the change would dash my hopes of someday appearing at Carnegie Hall. In fact, since I’m a bland mezzo soprano who can...
4 tags
Would you live for a year with a fully functioning...
You know who loves this dare? Me. Because this question is what the game is all about: earning your wealth! You want a million dollars? How ‘bout you stick a fucking dick on your face for a year? Still want it now?
I say yes! I know, I know: This is bound to make you a pariah in many circles. It is also bound to make you popular in other circles that scare me. A year of having a penis on your...
3 tags
Would you have a child, having been told that you...
I certainly would not. It’s incredibly, inexcusably selfish. Of course we’re all going to die someday, but why ensure that the deck is stacked against your kid from the beginning? And what happens when he’s older and you have to explain the situation to him – that you know what’s going to kill him? I don’t mean to resort to cheap histrionics here, but how could you live with yourself knowing...
4 tags
Would you gain and permanently retain 50 pounds? ...
Hmmm…I guess there’s at least a micro chance I’d say yes to the 50 pound dare, although, don’t hold me to that. Sure, if I actually saw the stacks of bills and smelled their sour and slightly stinky – and yet, impossibly sweet and delicious – scent, I’m not sure I could resist them. But as it is, I’d really have to mull this over. I like my body (it’s been mine all this time and I’m pretty used...
5 tags
Would you have your name legally changed to Adolph...
Nope. Moral qualms aside (and believe me, I have ‘em), the shitstorm you’d find yourself living in would so NOT be worth it. I’m pretty sure you could say goodbye to your friends and loved ones (who in their right mind wants to introduce “my pal, Adolph Hitler”?), and any chance of keeping or finding a job (which is a big problem, since a million doesn’t go that far these days). Plus, the...
5 tags
Would you sell your soul to the devil?
Although I’m gonna have to pass on eternal damnation, I realize there’s more to the devil than he gets credit for. Sure – he’s had his ups (sex; rock’n’roll; fishnet stockings; curse words; being the model for devil horns) and his downs (Christian rock; dolphin tattoos; Disney). But I admire how he’s out there, every day, kicking ass and really making a difference. Plus, there’s the fact...
6 tags
Would you accept a 6-month stint as lab manager...
According to Stiff, Mary Roach’s awesome study of the dead body and the various indignities it has suffered throughout history, donated cadavers are used to further the field of cosmetic surgery as well as the more altruistic field of pure medical research. This came as a bit of a shock to me, although it certainly makes sense. She describes a visit to a symposium for plastic surgeons in which...
4 tags
Would you have surgery to permanently alter your...
The answer is hell no, but I like this question a lot because it’s funny: “Ha, ha you look like Groucho Marx…forever.” I’m not so into the idea, but the less vain and the more desperate-for-a-laugh might really enjoy the bountiful returns that come from giving the gift of humor.
- Kali
Yeah, it’s definitely good for a chuckle. Just one, though. Not the endless chuckling (not to mention cries...
4 tags
Would you wear a coat made from human skin (source...
As it happens, I just saw some books bound in human skin at Philadelphia’s amazing Mutter Museum (though not currently practiced, anthropodermic bibliopegy enjoyed a brief vogue). To be honest, they looked like… regular books. Though several people around me squealed in horror at the display, there’s no way they would have thought anything was amiss if they hadn’t known what the binding material...