IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY TIM Q. TIM WORKS FOR A WELL-KNOWN ONLINE COMPANY WHICH SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, SINCE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT EATING CUM-FILLED CROISSANTS AND STUFF. IN ADDITION TO BEING A CORPORATE MOTHERFUCKER, HE’S A WRITER AND MUSICIAN (IN THE BANDS TOO MUCH JOY AND WONDERLICK — WHICH HAS A NEW RECORD COMING OUT IN JULY CALLED TOPLESS AT THE ARCO ARENA. GO CHECK IT OUT). OH — AND TIM IS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE I KNOW, WHO TOOK ME, IN MY VERY EARLY 20s, TO SEE (AND MEET!) THE MEKONS AT SxSW (I WAS DYING TO SEE AND MEET THEM; HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE LESS OF A FAN DORK). THAT KIND OF CHARITY IS IMPORTANT!

Would I eat a (disease-free!) semen-filled croissant for a million dollars? Can I ask instead who wouldn’t?
 
The timing of this question is odd, as I am writing my response on an early morning plane ride, and it is my custom on days like this to buy an over-priced orange juice and croissant, which I consume during the flight. Sometimes the croissant is plain, but other times it is filled with chocolate. So I can gauge pretty accurately just how much semen it would take to fill a croissant, and pretend that this tasty chocolate instead has the consistency of the yellow goo people sometimes put in pastries for reasons that completely mystify me. And that it tastes like semen, instead of yellow goo.
 
OK, I just took a big swig of orange juice, to wash away that thought, and the vague embarrassment that the WASP in me feels at even hinting that I know what semen tastes like. But, we are modern people, yes? I don’t think it’s particularly shocking or obscene to state my assumption that most women and several men of my acquaintance have swallowed more than a croissant’s worth of the substance – probably not in one go, unless they’re intimate with one of those porn star dudes whose copious explosions make the rest of us wonder if there’s something wrong with our own machinery. But cumulatively, over the course of their lives, a croissant’s worth does not feel like much of a stretch.
 
And a smaller but not insignificant percentage of those acquaintances have probably also done the thing where they kiss the party that just ejaculated, like, right away. So I still feel on pretty solid ground when I suggest that many of the partners of those women and men of my acquaintance are not averse to having a little bit in their mouths from time to time, either. Again, my inner WASP fears I am in TMI mode here, but there are some things WASPs do not because they’re a turn on, but because it would be impolite to refuse.  
 
So, if many of us do that without the benefit of a flaky, buttery pastry to help the medicine go down, let alone the promise of a million dollars waiting for us once we’re done, I don’t see why anyone would say no.
 
But I’m not paying for the croissant out of my million dollars. Cuz that croissant kind of sucked.

- Tim Q.

This question is so easy to say yes to it makes me feel like I’m stealing $1M worth of candy from a half-wit millionaire baby! Yes, I’d eat a cum-filled croissant for $1M because, honestly, I’ve “made the acquaintance” (wink, wink) of semen before. Gooey, warm, salty, etc. No big whoop, really. So just eat your jizz croissant and take your million. The end.

- Kali