IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY KID MILLIONS OF ONEIDA, STALWARTS OF THE NEW YORK MUSIC SCENE AND ONE OF YOUR (AND MY) FAVORITE BANDS. HE — ALONG WITH THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE BAND — ALSO RUNS BRAH RECORDS, WHICH HAS THIS AWESOME STATEMENT ON ITS SITE: We put out music by people who are not trendy, who aren’t going to be the next big thing and who’s music touches us. Most of the people we work with are our friends first — a terrible idea we’ve been told but we’ll risk it. COOL, RIGHT?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnOnDatqENo
As the data crawlers digest the electronic spume of the Internet for “trigger words” indicating social unrest and dangerous plots against our illegally elected “governors,” I’ll just add my confused fantasy to the slurry.
One million dollars = vomiting on the President?
As the link provided illustrates, world leaders have already entered into this high stakes game with aplomb. Is this moment Bush Sr.’s second most notorious act against world harmony (the first being giving us Jr.)? Turns out that we’re still friendly with Japan despite their manga pornography and insistence on killing whales for cultural reasons. I mean, we kinda deserve not to be friends with them — but I’m really spinning off course here.
So back to the matter at hand…
At first I was like no fucking way because that is some kind of black helicopter style apocalypse on my life and everyone I hold dear. But then I was thinking, there would HAVE to be a media blackout (like the Bush puke event) on this kind of thing. It would be spin city. But now there’s the Internet so that would be pointless — but if China can shut shit down maybe the US of A would spend some serious money to keep those vid clips off of Vimeo. But the world’s hunger for the USA doing publicly stupid and humiliating things is insatiable right? And Fox News would have a field day. Gawker would probably set me up with Kari Ferrell for a super date.
But would I go to jail?
Anyone delving deeply into my innermost secrets might find a few things that I’m not THRILLED about the world discovering but I’m really just a drummer in a band who has a day job that I don’t love in a city that is kind of trying to kill me.
But the laws of this country are such that if it’s expedient to do away with someone making waves, there’s gonna be a law that I’m breaking that can be exploited to that end. In the words of Greg Allman, “I’m no angel,” but I can’t even drop a prime come-on to Cher like “let me show you my tattoo.”
Turns out my credit is not that great. That’s somewhat embarrassing. But now you know! Boom…take that off the list.
There’s also a chance that I could exploit that particular awkward moment into some judging appearances on Fear Factor (though I think it doesn’t exist any longer). How much do the “celebrities” get paid in Celebrity Rehab? Could this moment be the big break I’m looking for? But seriously — I need to work on my chops if I want to get on America’s Got Talent. In the grand scheme I’m just middling. Honestly, I would take the high road. I would release a straight up statement about loving the USA and about my weak stomach and my nerves and about just wanting to put this event behind the country and get let’s get back to building that fence across the TX/Mexican border. Perhaps I could also drop a quote on the world that could be my tagline. I could come up with some really sly stuff to say: “Today a great man tasted 36 years of mediocrity.” I will work on my sound bites!
I’m thinking that my life would be hell for a solid three months. But then again, check it out: the Craig’s List Killer? Dude murdered a prostitute. I don’t think he’s in the news currently — just checked the New York Post — nada. He’s in jail and he’s definitely scum — but he’s not in the news.
I would need to move to a city that is NOT the center of the world’s English media. Maybe buy a house in Pittsburgh and live off the interest from my pay out for 10 years. I would happily do a short human interest story with the Post-Gazette (if it still exists in two years) and perhaps do a couple of YouTube vids about the conspiracy I was a part of just to get some shit stirred up.
I could self-publish a book — because the publishing industry ain’t gonna exist in five years.
But who gives a shit.
Where’s my check?
- Kid Millions
I’m a really big fan of our current President, mostly because he’s fairly awesome but, dude, it’s a million bucks and it would be over like *that*. I would totally vomit on him (and for the record, there is no one on the planet I wouldn’t vomit on for that much money: The Dalai Lama, the Pope, my nana) and then I’d apologize profusely and go on a bunch of shows talking about how embarassing the whole incident was and making jokes like, “Don’t worry, Oprah. I think that stomach bug has passed. But make sure your staff has Wet Wipes handy just in case!” and making the audience laugh with comedic fake gagging noises and pre-planned, “spontaneous” stories about my weak stomach. I’d have my 15 minutes and then it’d all be over and I’d have a million dollars. So there you go.
- Kali
