Pretty much everything I know about electroshock therapy I learned by watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest — and let me tell you: EST did not do good things for Jack Nicholson in that movie. I watched the film a lot as a kid (they used to show it on cable all the time), and it taught me that if you are crazy, EST will make you even crazier. Also, if you are not crazy, EST will drive you completely insane — and not in that fun, ’40s Warner Brothers cartoon, swinging-from-the-rafters kind of way. No, EST will convert you from being a rebellious, fun loving, sticking-it-to-Nurse Ratched, free spirit into a catatonic, lifeless, unresponsive vegetable who will probably be euthanized by a Native American friend who you’ve offensively nicknamed “Chief.” What I’m trying to say is, EST scares me and gives me the heebie jeebies. And did I mention I already fear for my sanity? Oh, yeah. I did.

So, I think I might have to say no to this one, although I have to admit, I’d be very open to negotiation. (That’s right. For another few mill, I’d be like, “Hook me up to the electrodes. Now, dammit. NOW! And someone make sure I don’t swallow my tongue…”) I mean, apparently, they’re still using EST in cases of major depression, mania, schizophrenia and a whole list of other mental issues. Sure, the numbers have dropped off since the ’50s, when all you had to do was show signs of becoming, say, an artist, and you’d be nonstop electroshocked until you droned, “Thank you for helping me see that what I really want to get into is insurance sales and a loveless marriage.” But apparently, some one million people are still getting the old electro treatment, and the major psychiatric associations remain advocates of its effectiveness in certain cases. If you say yes to this, btw, you’d join a pretty awesome club which includes Sylvia Plath, Lou Reed, Frances Farmer, Edie Sedgwick, Yves Saint-Laurent, Ernest Hemingway, Roky Erickson, Antonin Artaud and pretty much anyone who has ever played jazz. So yeah, I’m saying no. But I’m totally willing to talk numbers.