IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY MAURA JOHNSTON, THE EDITOR OF IDOLATOR (WHICH I’M PRETTY SURE ALMOST NEARLY EVERYONE READS). SHE *JUST* ENTERED HER MID-30s (LIKE YESTERDAY, IN FACT. SEND A BIRTHDAY GREETING TO HER IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT), SO QUESTIONS LIKE THIS LOOM EVEN LARGER THAN THEY MIGHT HAVE WHEN SHE WAS FIRST GALLIVANTING AROUND THE WEB. ALAS, NONE OF US ARE GETTING ANY YOUNGER (INCLUDING YOU, McHIP REPLACEMENT).
I have been masking my gray hairs since I was 19; I’m overweight; when
I smile in the vicinity of a mirror, I can see little lines forming at
the corners of my eyes; I stagger around the apartment any morning
that follows a late night out with a few friends and a few bottles of
wine. So aging “10 years” in one as opposed to, say, the seven I’ve
aged over the past three sounds, frankly, like it’s keeping pace with
my current rate of maturity. And it’s kind of fascinating to think
about what that acceleration would entail, honestly. Would I develop a
hunch from my admittedly crap posture? Would my hair start falling
out? Would I develop more embarrassing problems, the kind that are
advertised during airings of The Price Is Right?
Not to mention that if I knew I’d be aging 10 years over the course of
one, I might very well be motivated to live, well, right. And I might
even prosper as a result! Fewer alcohol units, fewer meat-on-meat
meals, fewer late nights, less time spent sitting in front of my
laptop’s drab glow waiting for something on the Internet to shock me
out of my day-to-day existence, more exercising, more
vegetables-qua-vegetables. Would the money be a factor as far as this
change in behavior goes? Sure, although not for the scalpel-related
reasons you might think; instead, the promise of that $10 million
would be a great incentive for me to teach myself how to live more
ascetically for the 365-day length of the experiment, because I’d hope
that I’d pre-emptively — if slowly — drop so many of the vices that have
prematurely aged me already from my life. After all, growing up
mentally is much more of a trick than physical aging — and it’s
ultimately what’s more important.
- Maura J.
I really struggled with this one and I’m still not sure I’ve settled on an answer. On the one hand, who cares about getting wrinkles if you also get $10 million dollars? I mean, that’s plenty more than enough to qualify as fuck you money, I think, so basically, you can tacitly be like, fuck you to anyone who has a problem with your pruney face. On the other hand, there’s vanity, and mine weighs enough that I’m not sure it doesn’t tip the scales in its favor (that’s not my favorite thing to admit but, fuck it. We’re all friends slash adults here, aren’t we?). Since I don’t wanna chump out or seem all milquetoasty by not giving an answer I’ll say yes to this because dolla dolla bills, y’all. But my firmness, honestly? A little bit shaky.
- Kali
