Wow. You know that your commitment to not having a day job runs for reals deep if you’re willing to shit out of your stomach for a year for money. Which I am. I know — I could hardly believe myself, either. But let me tell you: Colostomy bags have come a long way since whatever super gross image you have in your brain. Apparently, you can have your colostomy bag — the standard make of which seems to come in a not altogether unflattering shade of carnation pink — you can have that bag fitted, and then you can just go right on your merry way. Look at you — playing tennis and going horseback riding and hoofing it at ballroom dancing and shitting into your little colostomy bag the whole time. You know how you’re always complaining about how going to the bathroom ruins a festive mood? Well, I’ve got the solution to your problem right here, and it’s as easy as shooting fish in a barrel pooping in a bag attached to the end of your colon. And it’s a no mess, no fuss kind of deal. Who knew?:

Colostomies are viewed negatively due to the misconception that it is difficult to hide the pouch and the smell of feces, or to keep the pouch securely attached. However, modern colostomy pouches are well-designed, odor-proof, and allow stoma patients to continue normal activities.

So, guess what? For one million dollars, I’ll be doing my bidness in a bag for a year, then I’ll be getting that shit (ha!) reversed, and then I’ll be spending a leisurely afternoon on the toilet while counting my money. Hell yeah. I’m with this dare, all the way.