IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY MARIS KREIZMAN, A FORMER EDITOR OF LITERARY FICTION AND NARRATIVE NONFICTION. SHE’S CURRENTLY THE AUDIOBOOKS EDITOR AT eMUSIC BUT SHE’S MOST FAMOUS FOR RUNNING THE BLOG SLAUGHTERHOUSE 90210, WHICH COMBINES HER LOVE OF LITERATURE AND CRAPPY TV.

Caveat: I worry that I can’t really own this question because I’m Jewish, and I fear that by saying “fuck, yes, I’d do this!” it would look like I’m pissing on an entire religion. But, that said, “fuck, yes, I’d do this!”
 
See, I did a little research. I asked a sampling of my most knowledgeable Catholic friends (they were married in a church! they go to mass!) a couple of key questions: “If you piss in holy water, does God discount the baptism? Would my pee send a baby to hell?” And they said no, that once the holy water has been blessed, it counts, regardless of a little extra tinkle. Baby’s soul will not be in jeopardy.
 
I was also concerned about baby’s health. Did you know that, according to Dr. Billy Goldberg, author of Let’s Play Doctor, urine is sterile and nontoxic? A baby’s immune system can handle a little piss on the forehead just fine. And you know what? If a bit of that pee and holy water mixture managed to dribble down onto baby’s little white outfit, that would be OK too. Give me my million dollars and I will pay for the baby’s dry cleaning. Hell, I’ll buy that Christian baby a brand new wardrobe. With pleasure.
 
So yes, for a million bucks, I would happily contribute my non-holy water for baby’s first golden shower.

- Maris K.

I’m not much on religion or religious ceremonies and all that but I think it’s totally your right to try to avoid a Rosemary’s Baby-type situation by having your baby baptized or christened or whatever, if that’s what you’re into. But you also have to understand that what *I* am into is not having a day job and getting paid a million dollars just for peeing into the water they’ll be pouring over your baby’s head. (You’ve got your thing, I’ve got mine. It takes all kinds.) That would be a big Y-E-S on this one, and without a lot of guilt, I must say. Everybody knows urine’s sterile and anyway, I have a feeling your kid is going to grow up to be a real shit, so salvation won’t be coming to him anyway. Sorry. Don’t shoot the messenger.

- Kali