IT’S GUEST BLOGGER FRIDAY! TODAY’S QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED BY MATT SMITH. MATT, BTW, IS A SONGWRITER. YOU MAY HAVE HEARD HIS WORK IF YOU REGULARLY WATCH PROMOS FOR SHITTY SHOWS WITH THE SOUND WAY UP. OR IF YOU KNOW HIM PERSONALLY. HE BLOGS REGULARLY AT THEMATTSMITH.TUMBLR.COM, AND IS DEATHLY AFRAID OF BEES, BECAUSE OF THIS ONE TIME THAT HE WAS BACKPACKING WITH HIS DAD AND STEPPED ON A ROTTEN LOG WITH A HIVE INSIDE. SERIOUSLY. BEES EVERYWHERE.

I’ve often told people that if there was a pill that I could take that would allow me to sleep for 15 minutes and awaken fully rested, I would do it in a second. I wouldn’t really get any more done, I just would have the satisfaction of not having to go to sleep. I feel much the same way about eating.

Don’t get me wrong, there are foods that I love. Pork, Fiddle Faddle, lox, Freeze Pops, hard liquor, these things are delicious. However, it’s the ACT of eating that has always bothered me. If I really like the way something tastes, I tend to eat it fast, and if I dislike the flavor, I avoid it altogether. Essentially, I eat my food in pill form, future-style, but add in a little bit of chewing and sensory amusement just to maintain a casual front.

Cooking, that’s the fun part. Going to the farmer’s market, buying whatever looks good, pairing those ingredients with those already in your pantry; there’s a sexiness, a sort of ballet to that. Applying heat in various degrees to foodstuffs assumes an element of danger, of pizazz. There’s fire and knives and hot peppers and big electric mixers and fire. I almost always find that I enjoy the preparation of a meal FAR more than the consumption of it. I will usually take a bite, decide whether I like what I’ve created or not, and sink back into “food pill” mode.

Also, I’ve never really had a sweet tooth, and my desire to eat things like Sour Patch Kids faded around 5th grade. Salty things are good as long as there’s beer, but not a necessity, and I think I could do without the taste of my beloved bourbon as long as I still got the burn in the back of my throat and the warmth in my belly.

Really, all things considered, I think taste is the sense I’d be MOST willing to do without. My list is as such, with 5 being most expendable, and 1 being most precious:

5. Taste (see above)
4. Smell (only REALLY useful for natural gas leaks and diapers)
3. Touch (at this point in my life I’ve pretty much touched everything)
2. Sight (this was a tough one, see below)
1. Hearing (I’m a musician by trade, and seeing as I have really no other marketable skills…)

(I excluded telekinesis, because I haven’t technically moved anything yet)

Now, about that bourbon…

- Matt S.

This might come as a surprise, since I said that I would cut off a toe and eat shit for a million dollars, but no. I’m actually really into tasting things. Very. I mean, I just imagine not being able to taste like, Ethiopian food or my mother’s spaghetti sauce and a little part of me dies. Like, you know when you’re really craving something — say, the very specific taste created when barbecued eel and avocado blend in your mouth, or the mmmmm of french fries with the perfect amount of grease and salt? And you get what you wanted and you put that first bite into your mouth? There’s nothing like that kind of satisfaction. It’s almost — not totally — but it’s almost orgasmic. I like that. Very much! So, no on this one.

- Kali